My last goodbye

As many of you already know or also experienced, this week was a rough one. Friday early morning my family lost a wonderful dad, grandpa, and great-grandpa. We had known for several months that he had cancer, but not too long ago we found out it was actually stage 4. For the past weeks he has been in and out of the hospital trying to fight it. Recently though the fight became too much for him and he decided that he would wanted his last days not to be spent miserable from the chemo. I think many of us sympathized with him on that however hard it was for us to hear.
Then Wednesday night I got a call from my dad. He told me that grandpa probably wasn't going to make it through the weekend. The next few days were a blur of confusion, loneliness, and sadness. It was pretty much a waiting game and so my parents were telling me to finish my classes. I still thought that I would be able to see him one last time on Friday once my morning class finished up. However, Thursday night my mom called me to say that he probably wouldn't make it through the night. I'm not really good at always speaking what is on my mind so when my asked if there was any thing I wanted to tell him all I could muster out was that I loved him. However I already felt guilty for not being there in person, and there was so much I wish I could have told him. So when I got back to my room I started to write him a letter. It was my way of saying goodbye. I was hoping that I would be able to read it to him in person, unfortunately I was too late.
So here's my letter to grandpa. Writing is always easier for me than saying things out loud. I don't know why I felt compelled to put it in my blog but maybe it will help with grieving and remembering the good times, I don't really know...

'Hey grandpa, I'm going to be honest here, goodbyes aren't really my thing. I tend to try to avoid them like the plague. I'm not good at them and I don't ever know what to say. That's pretty much why I didn't come see you last Sunday. I was scared. Also I didn't really realize how bad things were. For some reason I thought in my mind that I would have until at least thanksgiving with you. Plus I wanted my last memory of you to be a good one. I don't know if I was wrong in thinking that, I probably was and am regretting it now, but anyways that is what kept me from going. I'm sorry. But I guess if you're hearing this then that means that I was able to say goodbye. (and even if I don't then I hope you can see this from heaven) I'm sorry that you got sick so fast. I know you fought the best you could. I hope that you enjoyed all that this life had to offer while you were better. Life is a beautiful thing and you've had quite the journey. For as long as I've been alive you've always been so funny and ornery. It seems like you did have a pretty good life. All of my aunts and uncle are amazing. You raised some really special people. Each of them brings so much to this family and I admire and respect and love each of them so much. I feel like I don't share my emotions nearly enough around you and all of them and if there's one thing I regret it is not telling everyone how much I love them. Grandpa I love you so much. I love your goofy childlike spirit. I love how you always use to head butt Chris to say hello or goodbye. I love all the crazy games you made my aunts and mom do each Christmas. (The butterfly catching one was one of my favorites). I love how you have a million elephants. Are you sure you really like elephants that much or do you just not feel like telling people to quit giving them to you? I'm still not sure how all of them fit into your apartment. I love how you can have a witty or sarcastic comment for everything. I'm pretty sure I must get a little sass from you. Among this list there's a ton of other things I love about you too and I'm sure all your kids and other grandkids would have even more things than you can imagine. But more than anything I love that I get to call you my grandpa. 
Maybe why I'm so bad at goodbyes is that I  don't really believe in them. I don't think that a person is ever truly gone. Because as long as I have love and memories of you then you'll always be in my heart. Plus some day we'll all have a giant family reunion where cancer and sickness doesn't exist and we can all be together and continue to love one another and love our wonderful creator. Even though I'm really sad and confused at the world right now, it doesn't stop me from believing that God has so much more in store for all of us, and earth is just a difficult trial we all go through so that when we reach Him, our reward is that much greater. 
The other night here at school we had a worship night. I was surrounded my all my friends and I was just singing and all of a sudden I was reminded that one of the greatest gifts we have is joy. And even though it doesn't make any sense right now, or even then that night, I was just struck by the fact that in the midst of this crazy awful world we can somehow still have joy. For a long time I've been forgetting about this. Take even the small things as an example of this. Take McKenzie for example. Such a bundle of energy and curiousity and love for people. And even you grandpa, you remind me to be joyful, to have a playful spirit and even through the rough times I'll remember that joy can always be had. I love you so much grandpa and I will always remember the good times and I will continue to try to find joy in everything that I do because honestly sometimes that's all we have left to hold onto and right now that inner joy that only God can give is the only thing giving me strength right now. I love you so much grandpa.'